Do You Even Realize How Sexual Lions Can Be?

A year ago, I started out on a very special journey that has changed my life drastically and unexpectedly. I didn’t even have to ride a short bus! I’ve been dancing for a year at Culture Shock Dance Center, home of Culture Shock San Diego and several other dance troupes. I’m taking 10 classes per week and love all of the instructors, but 4 times a week, I attend what I only somewhat jokingly refer to as “The Church of Trina.”

Trina’s class has been a life-changing experience for me in many ways. First of all, being exposed to hip hop music that often allows me to soak in plenty of street attitude. Ladies, if you’re always wondering why guys don’t seem to catch feelings, but you do, and you want to fix that shit, go to a hip hop class! You’ll not only learn to keep things gangsta, but you can literally learn how to brush off your feelings like dirt on your shoulder in one simple dance move. Guys, if you’ve been kind of a pussy and need more thug life than you currently have going on, get yo’ ass to class, too.

Speaking of ass, can I just say that my ass is looking FINE these days? Working out 10 hours a week has gotten me into the best shape of my life. When I visited New York City last fall, you can bet your ass that I stood in my hotel room window in my bra and panties and danced like I had just been hired as The Bentley Hotel’s in-house go-go dancer. While I’m not sure anyone on the street saw me, the old man in the high-rise condominium across the street sure seemed to look out his window a lot that day. The spirits in my house have also made money randomly fall at my feet while I was doing booty-shaking dances in the mirror. Sweet! Bitches love when ghosts make it rain!

Trina has inspired me and shown me that life is about love, change, and personal growth, to stand up for myself, and that it’s all right to let a man know that bullshit don’t fly. Mmm hmm. If a person isn’t contributing positivity to your life, it’s perfectly acceptable to tell them that they can indeed find everything they own “in a box to the left.” Thanks, Trina and Beyonce!

In the video, I’m the brunette in bright orange in week 1, to the right of the teacher. In week 2, I’m to her left in a light blue Chargers shirt. In week 3, I make minimal appearances to the far left of the screen, in a long-sleeved black shirt. In week 4, I make a cameo in the same position, in a teal shirt. In week 5, I’m back in front, to the right of the teacher with a red shirt with a heart on it. Thank you for watching, and if you’d ever like to come to the studio and join me, I’d love to share the joy of dance with you and dance alongside you!

I’m An Awesome Songwriter

So, people who have the misfortune of knowing me in real life know that I spent a good percentage of my time narrating my basic actions with songs. “Brushing my teef; gonna get so sparkly clean like a diamond. Actually, like a lot of diamonds. Diamonds in my mouf, yeaaah!” I’m surprised I don’t have more wrinkles, because I must get old pretty quickly. Anyway, the other day, my friend texted me while he was waiting for a haircut, so I generously offered to write him a song. I’m thinking I should consider getting into rap battles. Are you ready? This is “Haircut Song.”

"Waitin’ for a haircut, probably gonna get covered in little hairs even under the cape. Hey, dude, this neck wrap looks like toilet paper. I read all the magazines, and now I don’t know if I want the bob or a shag. FUCK, YEAH! SHAG! Who doesn’t want a really good shag? Yeaaah!"

I’m available for weddings. I probably haven’t written anything for Justin Bieber, but you never know.